Horoscope Thirty two

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You are so clever that sometimes you don't understand a single word that you are saying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You can resist everything except temptation.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A girl phoned you the other day and said "come on over there's nobody home. You went over Nobody was home.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

It is easier for you to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22


You think the universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Having a baby is such a nice way to start people.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your touch is worth ten thousand words.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Its so hard when you have to, and so easy when you want to.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Defeat is not so bitter unless you swallow it.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Horoscope Thirty One

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You never made a mistake in your life, at least never one that you couldn't explain away after wards.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let them go, because man, they're gone.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You dont care to belong a club that accepts people like you as members.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

A successful man is one who make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Your the man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Horoscope Thirty

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
next week.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Horoscope Twenty Nine

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them).

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

All Leo are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus.

Horoscope Twenty Eight

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

No, you don't have a solution, but you certainly admire the problem.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told you it would defeat the purpose.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was your own.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You are not a vegetarian because you love animals; You are a vegetarian because you hate plants.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You always wanted to be somebody, but now you realize you should have been more specific.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Every day you get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Your still not there, You have to go to work.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.