Horoscope Twenty Six

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left you before you've met.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Half the people you know are below average.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

If you're living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitelt isn't for you.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You shouldn't be having S-E-X around the B-A-B-I-E!

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!

Horoscope Twenty Five

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You have no money, no resources, no hopes. You are the happiest man alive.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You only work to enjoy when you are not working.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

There cannot be a crisis next week. Your schedule is already full.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You either Get what you want or you change your mind.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You are an excellent housekeeper. Every time you get a divorce, you keep the house.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Sex was the most fun you ever had without laughing.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Horoscope Twenty Four

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Between two evils, you always pick the one you never tried before.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

In your house you're the boss, your wife is just the decision maker.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You love deadlines. You especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Horoscope Twenty Three

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You are nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, you must be perfect!"

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You can see clearly now, the brain has gone.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your friend is someone who's there when he needs you"

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Only one man ever understood you, and he didn't understand you.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You spent 90% of your money on women and drink. The rest you wasted.

Horoscope Twenty Two

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

What would men(you) be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Always behave like a duck — keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your success has allowed you to strike out with a higher class of
women.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

If only God would give you a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in your name at a Swiss bank.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You want your children to have all the things you couldn't afford. Then you want to move in with them.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Drinking removes warts and pimples.
Not from you. But from those you look at.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't.