Horoscope Thirty two

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You are so clever that sometimes you don't understand a single word that you are saying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You can resist everything except temptation.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A girl phoned you the other day and said "come on over there's nobody home. You went over Nobody was home.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

It is easier for you to fight for principles than to live up to them.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22


You think the universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Having a baby is such a nice way to start people.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your touch is worth ten thousand words.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Its so hard when you have to, and so easy when you want to.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Defeat is not so bitter unless you swallow it.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

The only disability in life is a bad attitude.

Horoscope Thirty One

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You never made a mistake in your life, at least never one that you couldn't explain away after wards.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let them go, because man, they're gone.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You dont care to belong a club that accepts people like you as members.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

A successful man is one who make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Your the man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Horoscope Thirty

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
next week.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Horoscope Twenty Nine

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them).

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

All Leo are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus.

Horoscope Twenty Eight

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

No, you don't have a solution, but you certainly admire the problem.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told you it would defeat the purpose.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was your own.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You are not a vegetarian because you love animals; You are a vegetarian because you hate plants.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You always wanted to be somebody, but now you realize you should have been more specific.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Every day you get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Your still not there, You have to go to work.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.

Horoscope Twenty Seven

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You ain't sleeping. You're just taking a good look at the insides of your eyelids.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Why don't you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your life to learn from your own

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

By the time you're ready to admit you've reached middle age, you're beyond it."

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

It is necessary for you to establish a winner image. Therefore, you have to beat somebody

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You was married by a judge. You should have asked for a jury

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Horoscope Twenty Six

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left you before you've met.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Half the people you know are below average.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

If you're living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitelt isn't for you.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You shouldn't be having S-E-X around the B-A-B-I-E!

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!

Horoscope Twenty Five

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You have no money, no resources, no hopes. You are the happiest man alive.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You only work to enjoy when you are not working.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

There cannot be a crisis next week. Your schedule is already full.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You either Get what you want or you change your mind.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You are an excellent housekeeper. Every time you get a divorce, you keep the house.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Sex was the most fun you ever had without laughing.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Horoscope Twenty Four

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Between two evils, you always pick the one you never tried before.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

In your house you're the boss, your wife is just the decision maker.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You love deadlines. You especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Horoscope Twenty Three

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You are nobody
Nobody is perfect
Therefore, you must be perfect!"

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You can see clearly now, the brain has gone.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your friend is someone who's there when he needs you"

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your woman is like a tea bag - you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Only one man ever understood you, and he didn't understand you.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You spent 90% of your money on women and drink. The rest you wasted.

Horoscope Twenty Two

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

What would men(you) be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Always behave like a duck — keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your success has allowed you to strike out with a higher class of
women.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

If only God would give you a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in your name at a Swiss bank.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You want your children to have all the things you couldn't afford. Then you want to move in with them.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they're not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they're not so bad.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Drinking removes warts and pimples.
Not from you. But from those you look at.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't.

Horoscope Twenty One

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Used to be that your true love brought you chocolate.
Now your true love IS chocolate.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

It is not he who reviles or strikes you who insults you, but your opinion that these things are insulting.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You are not rude, he's just insignificant.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Say what you mean, then shut up.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You area modest little person, with much to be modest about.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Until you was thirteen, you thought your name was SHUT UP.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You want your children to have all the things you couldn't afford. Then you want to move in with them.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Sometimes you wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If the grass is greener on the other side,
it's time to fertilize your lawn.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Drinking removes warts and pimples.
Not from you. But from those you look at.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You don't have a problem with willpower ... It's won't power you have a problem with

Horoscope Twenty (if you love someone...)

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

IF you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

If you love someone,
Set her free ....
Don't worry, she will come back.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

If You Love Someone,
Set it free,
If It Comes Back, It is Yours
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It...!!! OR PERHAPS REPORT TO
IMMIGRATION THAT SHE/HE IS AN ILLEGAL ..

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle
of collision between two objects did not
synchronize at the right angle.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

If you love someone,
Show her the plan ....
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, deal!
If she doesn't, so what! "NEXT".

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, the Wei bull distribution and your relation was improbable
anyway.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If you love someone,
Set her free ....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again,
repeat*

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If you love someone,
Set her free ....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


If you love someone,
Set her free....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.

Funny Horoscope Nineteen

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Life is a game, whoever has the most money at the end wins.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

When you read about the evils of drinking, you gave up reading.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Your life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. You've been trying to hide from it since You was five, but the girls keep finding you.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

When you was born you was so surprised you didn't talk for a year and a half.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Laugh and the world laughs with u,cry and the world laughs louder.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You're the person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You are living so far beyond your income that you may almost be said to be living apart.

Horoscope 18

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Cheer up. The worst is yet to come.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You don't care what is written about you as long as it isn't true.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You're the person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for

Horoscope 17

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You like the sound of a beer church.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You love living in the basement.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Cartoons make you horny. Oh and food.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Stop being weird..

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athlete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You know, you should watch your table manners. Because, when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


The truth is out there, man, it's out there.

Horoscope 16

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

This is the worst thing I've ever done.
You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Everything looks bad if you remember it.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember as far as anyone knows, you have a nice normal family

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

I am through with working. Working is for chumps.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

Horoscope 15

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Love to live

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Better late than pregnant.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

when all else fails, follow instruction.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember as far as anyone knows, you have a nice normal family

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Always blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You know, you are not born with a soul. You earn it with suffering, hard work and prayer. Which hopefully you did last night

Horoscope 14

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

They are having a party and your not invited.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

The man of your dreams is now a woman.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

They laugh because your different...........
you laugh cause you've just farted!

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You have photographic memory, you just don't have the film.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your road to success is always under construction.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?

Horoscope 13

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Think first what you gonna say before you talk.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Don't play with fire it might burn you.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Self-help tapes or books can't help you.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

It's your girlfriend wedding but your not the groom.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Unauthorized person keep out.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Dont play in the rain, you might get cold.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

There will be a new man in your life today that can make you crazy.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You're getting fat try to be a vegetarian.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Don't just text her, call her.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You'll receive a free massage today from a beautiful, sexy, blind massage therapist.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Beware of your stalker, he might do something bad today.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Wear yellow shirt you'll get lucky.

Horoscope 12

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Share a seat win a friend.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Beware of dogs.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Don't block the drive way.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Keep ticket for inspection.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Unauthorized person keep out.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Wash your face before you go to bed.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Your money needs to roll.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Beware of clowns, they are near you.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Its time for you to have a false teeth.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Put a mouse trap in your house.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Do some stargazing.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You'll meet a gorgeous nerd today.

Horoscope 11

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Don't be shy on your barbie collection dude

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Beware of hypnotist he may hypnotized you by his hypnotism powers

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You're not getting quality day today.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Name your company with your own name.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Food business will be a good investment to you.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Don't leave your valuable things unattended.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You'll meet your favorite band today.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Dont litter you might be jailed because of that.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Stop thinking of her she not even thinking of you.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You're inspired, try to write a song

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Read the bible it helps.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Its ok to drink if you have a driver.

Horoscope 10

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Read fashion magazine, you're going out of style.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Call a psychiatrist, you need serious help.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Even how many times you measure your weight its not gonna change , try exercise it works.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Don't even try to withdraw on your ATM, you have no money.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Don't wait for your prince charming, he's not gonna come.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your friend will love you today, if you treat them to eat.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Switch off lights before you sleep

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You're going the wrong way

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You have a problem, don't worry you're parents gonna fix that.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You look like a baby... baby dinosaur.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Try to join beauty contest, you might win.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Fatty foods wont make you fat.

Horoscope 9

Aries March 21 - April 19

Your advantage is now a disadvantage.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Be kind to animals, specially the one beside you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Toss a coin if heads your lucky today, if tails try again.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Dress to impress show your breast.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Use your white lies, you can get away with it.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Dont copy answers to your seatmate, you're a genius.

Libra September 23 - October 22

Your elbow will meet others elbow.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your fantasy, is still a fantasy.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Bring face towels, you sweat too much.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You smell like a baby... pooping

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Don't try to smoke mosquito coils.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Be carefull, your father will discover your true identity. and he will hate you for it.

Horoscope 8h

Aries March 21 - April 19

Don't wash your car, It's gonna rain.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Beware on people you trust they might fool you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Pay your taxes, they need to fixed roads

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Drink a glass of milk everyday while your young, your prone to osteoporosis

Leo July 23 - August 22

One of your foot nails will die today, im sorry for the bad news

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Play lotto, you have a big chance of winning in the next draw.

Libra September 23 - October 22

Buy gifts today for the holidays, while its cheap.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Buy a watch, for you to keep and track of time.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Dont go left on a red signal

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

read the instructions carefully, Its gonna save your life.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Eat fuits and vegetables, your gonna need it.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Plant a Tree

Horoscope 7

Aries March 21 - April 19

You always argue about things, maybe because of distance of your relationship.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Even though life is tough you still to manage to be successful, because of your desire to win.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Read news papers your out of date in the news.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Ask your parents if you really are their child, now its the time for you to know the truth.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Exercise and Drink your vitamins you look unhealthy

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Don't do things that you don't want to do, do thing you that you want to do got it?

Libra September 23 - October 22

Give love on your birthday and your wish will come true.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your being cautious on your decision, you don't want bad things to happen again.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Walk don't Run

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Watch your step, you might fall

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Color your hair its getting white already

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Have a vacation you have too much stress at work, it can really help you a lot.

Horoscope 6

Aries March 21 - April 19

You don't want to lose a friend so you just understand for their shortcomings.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

You need to balance your relationship and work it can really affects one another so deal with it.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You need to study more your grades are failing many your parents are hoping you can now finished college because you are now going for your 8 year in college good luck.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Be good to others, you will be rewarded.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You are still hoping that she loves you although you know its not gonna happen.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Minimize your anger because its affecting your health too much.

Libra September 23 - October 22

Good vibes: You'll receive money today
Bad vibes: But you will use it to pay for your loans and debts.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Dont judge too fast you still don't know them try to know them first maybe you'll have a new set of friends.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Ask things if you don't know what it is, asking question helps a lot.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Problems are giving you stress this days, don't lose hope fight, don't let problems do this to you.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

A very important person will be coming back to your life, this is your chance to make the things you didn't do in the past, so make the most of it

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Have some more energy it can help on your evrything that you do

Horoscope 5

Aries March 21 - April 19

You will approach a friend and ask for help about your new business made of something special and you will receive a positive outcome he wants to be your partner in business. Your business will boom.

Taurus April 20 - May 20

After working hard in your day job, your earnings are not enough try to find a extra job for your extra income.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

You will have a vacation with your family, and you don't want to come you just want to stay home, home alone

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Your boss is getting on your nerves, he wants you to finished all paperwork's asap.

Leo July 23 - August 22

You want something but you don't need

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You will be the talk of the town today

Libra September 23 - October 22

Use your credit card its ok to use it

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Tell her that you love her today or forever you'll be sorry

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You'll meet two angry people today

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Its time to get up its already noon

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Forget her, your love is wasted if you gave it to her she dont love you

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Its time to Love yourself you have given your love too them to much. and you have forget loving yourself look at you your just in late twenty's but you look like forty.

Horoscope 4

Aries March 21 - April 19

Your girlfriend will ask you if she is sexy and you will answer "yes of course"

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Your cellphone will be low-bat today

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Good vibes :Your friends will be happy today
Bad vibes: because they are laughing at you, you forget to zip your zipper

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Because of boredom you'll be counting cars today

Leo July 23 - August 22

Good vibes: You discover your talent today
Bad vibes: Its not useful...

Virgo August 23 - September 22

You'll find true love today But you have to find it

Libra September 23 - October 22

Don't talk to strangers

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You have to choose career or relationship

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Eat more you're getting tin

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Sleep... you need it

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Focus at work, you need to put the tread in the hole of the needle

Pisces February 19 - March 20

Take a bath many people will benefit from it

Horoscope 3

Aries March 21 - April 19

Stop smoking! There is a sign says "Stop Smoking"

Taurus April 20 - May 20

Learn martial arts, you might need it, because someone is following you.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

Turn off the light before you have sex with your wife it can help a lot.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Try to lose your friend his not friendly anymore.

Leo July 23 - August 22

Your having a bad day, and a friend will give you a deodorant to solve the problem.

Virgo August 23 - September 22

Its your lucky day! You will not hit by a car today

Libra September 23 - October 22

You'll forgot to wear your underwear, because your girlfriend's husband is down stairs.

Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your trying to lose weight today, maybe tomorrow, next week?, next year?

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

An office mate will approach you and ask Are you pregnant?

Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You'll meet the girl of your dreams... In your dreams...

Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You can't open the door you have the right key but wrong house.

Pisces February 19 - March 20

You'll have a free groceries today from chinese supermarket.