Horoscope Thirty

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
next week.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window