Horoscope 17

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You like the sound of a beer church.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You love living in the basement.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Cartoons make you horny. Oh and food.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Stop being weird..

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athlete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You know, you should watch your table manners. Because, when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


The truth is out there, man, it's out there.