Horoscope 16

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

This is the worst thing I've ever done.
You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Everything looks bad if you remember it.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember as far as anyone knows, you have a nice normal family

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

I am through with working. Working is for chumps.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!