Horoscope Twenty Eight

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

No, you don't have a solution, but you certainly admire the problem.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told you it would defeat the purpose.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was your own.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

You are not a vegetarian because you love animals; You are a vegetarian because you hate plants.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You always wanted to be somebody, but now you realize you should have been more specific.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Your Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Every day you get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. Your still not there, You have to go to work.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.

Horoscope Twenty Seven

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You ain't sleeping. You're just taking a good look at the insides of your eyelids.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Why don't you learn from my mistakes? It takes half your life to learn from your own

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

By the time you're ready to admit you've reached middle age, you're beyond it."

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Free advice is the kind that costs you nothing unless you act upon it.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Only two things are necessary to keep your wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it."

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

It is necessary for you to establish a winner image. Therefore, you have to beat somebody

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You was married by a judge. You should have asked for a jury

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Horoscope Twenty Six

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left you before you've met.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Half the people you know are below average.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

If you're living life on the edge, you're taking up too much space.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitelt isn't for you.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You shouldn't be having S-E-X around the B-A-B-I-E!

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!