Horoscope Twenty Nine

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them).

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

All Leo are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus.