Horoscope Thirty One

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You never made a mistake in your life, at least never one that you couldn't explain away after wards.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let them go, because man, they're gone.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

You dont care to belong a club that accepts people like you as members.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Your desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

A successful man is one who make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Your the man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Horoscope Thirty

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go
back to sleep.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through
your chest.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's
test.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of
strawberry Quik.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stake.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts
next week.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in
your den.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never
leave my house again.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window

Horoscope Twenty Nine

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know
they're lying.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them).

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than
you.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

All Leo are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face, oh no.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in
the mud.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound
watermelon in your colon.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a
speeding bus.

Horoscope 13

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Think first what you gonna say before you talk.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Don't play with fire it might burn you.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Self-help tapes or books can't help you.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

It's your girlfriend wedding but your not the groom.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Unauthorized person keep out.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Dont play in the rain, you might get cold.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

There will be a new man in your life today that can make you crazy.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You're getting fat try to be a vegetarian.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Don't just text her, call her.

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You'll receive a free massage today from a beautiful, sexy, blind massage therapist.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Beware of your stalker, he might do something bad today.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Wear yellow shirt you'll get lucky.