Horoscope Twenty Four

Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Between two evils, you always pick the one you never tried before.

Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

In your house you're the boss, your wife is just the decision maker.

Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You love deadlines. You especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.