20081030

Horoscope 18


Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.


Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back


Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.


Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

Cheer up. The worst is yet to come.


Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.



Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.


Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.


Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.



Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Always forgive your enemies -- Nothing annoys them so much.


Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

You don't care what is written about you as long as it isn't true.


Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

You're the person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.


Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for

20081029

Horoscope 17


Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

You like the sound of a beer church.


Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You love living in the basement.


Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

You seem to have a natural talent for handling luggage.


Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

The foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know.


Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

Cartoons make you horny. Oh and food.



Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Stop being weird..


Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athlete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!


Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

You know, you should watch your table manners. Because, when you're in prison, that would just really turn on some guy named "Tank".


Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

What are you going to put put on your resume - dumbass?


Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Whatever you want. Money is no object, as long as it's reasonable.


Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Without rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.


Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


The truth is out there, man, it's out there.

20081028

Horoscope 16


Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?


Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.


Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

This is the worst thing I've ever done.
You say that so often that it lost its meaning.


Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine.


Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.


Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.


Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!


Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

Everything looks bad if you remember it.


Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember as far as anyone knows, you have a nice normal family


Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

I am through with working. Working is for chumps.


Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

20081027

Horoscope 15


Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.


Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

Love to live


Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!


Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher


Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?


Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.


Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Better late than pregnant.


Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

when all else fails, follow instruction.


Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Remember as far as anyone knows, you have a nice normal family


Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Always blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English


Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


You know, you are not born with a soul. You earn it with suffering, hard work and prayer. Which hopefully you did last night

20081025

Horoscope 14


Horoscope for Aries March 21 - April 19

They are having a party and your not invited.


Horoscope for Taurus April 20 - May 20

The man of your dreams is now a woman.


Horoscope for Gemini May 21 - June 21

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


Horoscope for Cancer June 22 - July 22

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


Horoscope for Leo July 23 - August 22

They laugh because your different...........
you laugh cause you've just farted!


Horoscope for Virgo August 23 - September 22

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?


Horoscope for Libra September 23 - October 22

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.


Horoscope for Scorpio October 23 - November 21

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.


Horoscope for Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You have photographic memory, you just don't have the film.


Horoscope for Capricorn December 22 - January 19

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


Horoscope for Aquarius January 20 - February 18

Your road to success is always under construction.


Horoscope for Pisces February 19 - March 20


It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are?